This is a modified version of last year’s post, with updated links and groovy additions. Please note that some items are technically not “sweaters,” but I’m trusting that my readers can adapt.
Since ugly Christmas sweater parties are all the ironic rage, I went on a hunt for couples’ combinations. I’m sure there’s still time to pay double the price to get them before Christmas. Now you can express your love, cohesion, and bad taste in one social setting.
I have added my own descriptive labels.
- The “Newlywed” Christmas Sweater. You only get one first post-nuptial Christmas, so why not make it memorable by declaring your connubial bliss on your person? I’m guessing we could conduct a quick and dirty study finding a significant statistical association between couples who wear matching holiday garb and a lower divorce rate; therefore, buying and wearing holiday couples’ attire prevents divorce, right? (Wink)
- The “You’re All I Need” Sweatshirts. Spouses, this might get you out of parting with your hard-earned cash…or it can be a new way to start an argument when your partner is upset that you didn’t buy a material gift, which can be a backdoor way to a make-up session. Therapists do love their reframes.
- The “Happy 70’s Christmas and Also I’m Hungry…Denny’s, Anyone?” Combo. The quirky combination of 70’s Elton John and Kiki Dee music hit paired with breakfast items sporting holiday threads. Need I say more?
- The “Minimalist” Pairing. For the couple who wants to make an understated statement of unity.
- The “AAAWWWWW SO CUTE” His and Hers Attire. Extra points for getting your partner to go out in public wearing this. I have a soft spot for the endearing appeal of gingerbread men, but no amount of oobie doobie mind tricks will effectively convince my husband to leave the house wearing a cookie on his chest.
- The “Elf Yourself” Christmas Sweaters. Just order two of these androgynous crewnecks, and you have the perfect makings for an imaginative holiday role play…Quinkie and Snowflake get lost in Santa’s toy shop…a fantasy that will make shopping for your children while emptying your bank account less painful.
- The “Take That, PDA” Sweatshirts. This is for the couple who is still under the influence of a brain-induced love cocktail, thus clouding their vision of how nauseating their outward expression is to those around them. If this sweater is sold out, you can make an even more impressive version with a photo of your love connection. Print the words, “All I want for Christmas is,” and insert photo. To add more “blech,” value, add the words, “This guy (or gal),” at the bottom.
- The “Enmeshment” Sweater. Marriage and family therapists love this term, indicating too much closeness in family systems. Don’t wear one of these to marriage therapy unless you want to earn a label soaked in psychobabble. This sweater is perfect unless you want to walk in opposite directions. For couples who are really in love, this will not be a problem, because they will be able to accurately mind read every move their partners are about to make, in addition to deciphering every unspoken emotional need.
- The “Monosweater of Christmas Shame.” Named for the spousal bonding potential in a shared “shame attacking” exercise à la Albert Ellis, a technique often promoted by cognitive behavioral therapy guru David Burns. If you’re confused, read more about it here. In short, publicly embarrass yourselves together.
- The “You Complete Me” Set. A DIY project guaranteed to generate couple closeness. Just be strategic about which part of the reindeer represents your better half.
- The “Communication Problems” Sweatshirts. An homage to the most common reason for seeking marriage therapy. If you don’t understand the meaning at first, look closer at the “What,” gingerbread man’s head. It took me a minute. I’m pretty sure my husband wishes he could use that excuse.
- The “Light Me Up” Display. Can be used as an across the room signaling device in addition to being an excellent marital metaphor. Due to the gaudy detail, this model also gives you as a couple the clear advantage for winning the ugly sweater contest.
- The “Let Your Freak Flag Fly” Project. Because what is more bonding than using glitter, glue and additional craft décor to assemble exceedingly heinous matching vestures?
- The “Couple Cliché for Christmas” Tee. Technically for one, but the couple’s connotation was so rich I couldn’t leave it off the list.
- The “What Are You Going to do, Bleed on Me?” Shirt. Lastly, if you buy two of these, you can play a game together to count how many people understand the movie reference throughout the day.
If you’re not brave enough to don matching sweaters, consider matching Ugly Christmas Socks. Then, you can work your way up to the ultimate in holiday wear–The Gaudy Holiday Suit (see tabs for both men and women) for the most advanced couples. Because OppoSuits attract! (My husband read this post and asked, “So did you order our suits?” I would love to see the look on his face if they actually showed up on our doorstep).
Until my next post, have a happy holiday and merry mind-reading of your partner’s emotional needs!
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